Happy Monday!
A little blog announcement: I'm starting off a new series here that basically asks you a question, you leave an answer in the comments, and then I create a post with your answers (citing you and your blog if you have one). I'm not exactly how it will all play out as I have not seen it on other blogs (although I'm sure it's been done before. Hasn't all blogging been done before?) but I think it will be fun.
photo by Cecil Beaton found via Pinterest
To kick off the series, I'm looking at higher academia. There are a lot of bloggers out there who have been married to graduate a student, are currently married to one, or are graduate students themselves. As the new semesters are starting I want to know how you survived and if you have any tips for those who will be going through the process of graduate school, whether for themselves or their spouses.
Mr. Branflake himself is a fourth year evening law student and it has been one crazy road.
I could write a BOOK on how to be a law student's wife.
I doubt anyone would buy it so I'm calling for your advice instead.
Feel free to comment on one or all:
Also, feel free to email your answer to dancingbranflake@gmail.com
Any tips on being a spouse of a grad student?
Any advice on being a grad student?
Was it worth it?
29 comments:
I don't have anything to contribute to this particular conversation, but I really love this idea! I can't wait to see how it plays out :D
Oh I just sent out a tweet saying "Oh to be an academic's wife..."
After two years of being the wife of a grad student I have very little advice. The biggest thing I have learned is that despite the fact that J is in school, he is working. Treating his work as an actual job where he needs to work, uninterrupted, has been key. Also, flexibility. You can't have a set schedule with dinner at 6 every day with a grad student. There are evening classes, reading groups and countless other things that don't fit on the 9-5 working schedule.
Beyond that, I'm still learning.
*kate
{Oh and, so far it's worth it}
Kailey- Thank you!
Kate- That is such great advice!
J went to grad school years ago and it was tough...I worked while J went to school. But it was definitely rewarding...J would stay in school forever if that were an option. And it's paid off in the end.
Love the idea for the new series! :)
I have no advice for this one but this does seem like a super fun series!
Yes Graduate School is worth it! Hard and expensive but totally worth it. My soon to be husband and I were in graduate school at the same time! I think that is easier, although I don't know what it is like the other way. :)
I finished my MBA a few years ago and everyone asks me if it was harder than undergrad. Here's my honest opinion. The work wasn't harder but life was. As an undergrad, you just had to make it to class and make time for homework. As an adult, you have to juggle class, homework, group meetings, extra reading, etc, along with a 40 hour work week, possibly kids, in my case a puppy, and plenty of other adult distractions you didn't have as a 20 year old kid. I'm glad I did it but it is tough. But when you're done, you can appreciate your free time so much more. Good luck!!
my sister did grad school twice- i think the best advice is if you do it- just finish it. :)
Your comment made me smile-I'm delighted someone thinks I've got it all together!
My biggest, best best of advice for us geeks (oops, I meant academics) is to try to take turns. John and I are both self-proclaimed school nerds, and after John finishes his Masters he'll go back for a Post Grad. Then I'll finally get my chance to do my PhD, and John may start his DMA while I'm working on my thesis-oh boy! But having John's support, but emotional and financial, while I was doing my Masters was so crucial, and I know it's a huge relief to him that I can take care of all that for him now.
Oh, and remember that grad school is a job. Because sometimes I forget that, or tell John to suck it up and stop complaining that his piano teacher is such a pain in the you know what since he goes to music camp, and no one likes that.
Ahhh, that would be hard! My friend's fiance has just started his residency at a hospital, so it's the same sort of thing - she rarely gets to see him because he's so busy. :(
I am a part time graduate student who is employed full time by a public university. It started off by me getting the job, and then applying to attend grad school at night.
Though I have no spouse, my tips for if I had one would be to be patient and kind. Also to encourage the spouse to get work done on time. Occasionally, it would be nice if lunch was packed, or dinner made with no questions about who does the dishes. Occasionally. But also, the spouse can be the haven from the insanity. Plan small, fun things to do together.
On being a grad student: Do your work on time. Work ahead if possible.. This may seem impossible, but make it happen because it will only pile on. Take advantage of skill development sessions put on for free from the grad school. Attend lectures on campus that are also free. In fact, do every free concert, speech, seminar possible because all of those things will cost money when you are no longer a student. Be nice to the people in your classes. You will see them again. And they may become your boss. Or you could be their boss. Read ahead. Read ahead.
Okay, that may not be all that helpful! But it is what keeps me going! So far.. I can't tell you if it is worth it yet. When I graduate, if I get a great job then YES it was worth it.. I'll keep you posted.
I was myself a law student, and that's where I met my husband! I have to say, it was nice to be in grad school at the same time, to be able to blend our schedules together so well. We would carpool to class and study together at night. It was actually three of the happiest years of my life. Worth it? Yes. I also chose my school very carefully and tried to graduate with as little debt as possible. Those were not big shopping years.
I have to say that going back to school after years of being on the workforce was not my first option but when I lost my job it was the only option at the moment... as i'm so close from graduating and looking for a job I cannot be but hopeful that all the money time and effort that I've put into it are going to help me get back in the game. I cannot say I regret going back, because it's been a fun experience and have been able to meet amazing people. On the other hand I miss working a lot because I really loved what I did.
Finally, I'm a believer that even though there are some fantastic schools out there no one should get into ridiculous debt to be in this or that school... it's the person that is good not the school!
Dr J started Medical School when we already had our first baby. It was a long long road- I was lucky that I was able to stay home and take care of our baby, have another one, continue to follow my dream of writing and ultimately give him support.
Support during Grad School is the same that I do now that he is practicing. I make dinner, take care of the house and try to wait at least ten minutes after he gets home before telling him any 'bad news'.
I guess the biggest difference is that now I don't have to worry about money when I want to buy the organic strawberries at the supermarket- and we have our own house now.
Sure of course it's worth it- following your dreams always is- and student loans are not bad debts.
I think being frugal is great- babies don't care if they wear hand me downs, eating out is hard with little ones and we've never cared much for nice cars- I feel that having the monkeys while he was in school was perfect- now that he is finished and the monkeys are a bit older we are able to do more things we couldn't do but would not have really been able to anyway.
As an MBA widow, my tip is to try not to take things personally. My hubs is under so much stress with working and going to school full time, so I have to cut him some slack when he's crabby!
Oh I'm excited for this series! What a gread idea! :) I've been toying with the idea of Grad School... so some advice would be great!
Here's my advice for being married to a medical student:
1. Come up with a witty answer when someone asks you, like you're just so adorable and helpless, "Oh your husband is in med school? And what do you do?"
2. Have your own life, because he will certainly have his own.
3. Be supportive - bring him food when he's at the library late studying, don't complain when you don't see him for more than 12 hours in a row (use that time for yourself! Eat a carton of ice cream and smelly food that he hates (sushi for me), watch Notting Hill for the 400th time, enjoy having your dog's attention all to yourself.
4. Learn to embrace bodily fluids as part of everyday conversation :)
Wonderful idea! I am the wife of an active duty Army Officer and we thought grad school would be a nice 'break' from the regular Army. With a move from east to west coast, a two year old and a 3 month old, we are quickly learning that school is just as much as a job as my husband's normal job. My best advice is to be patient, know that there will be a lot of studying/study groups outside of the school day and hope that the future jobs granted by the master's will make it all worth it. We also chose to move to California for it because we figured it was a great chance to take a temporary adventure!
As a law graduate who had a baby in my second year and was pregnant half my third year, my biggest piece of advice is that no matter what, family is first. Sure, there will be missed dinners here and late study nights there, but when it REALLY counts, never sacrifice family for school or career. You can't get that back.
Oh, I have a lot to say about this because a) I'm living it and b) I used to work for a small college. Since we got married last year in May, at least one of us has been in school or studying for a major exam continuously. My husband is working on passing the CPA in his first round of taking the four sections, and that has definitely been a greater challenge and time commitment than his undergrad ever was. I just started an MA in English and I have no clear idea how it'll go in terms of my time commitment. I dream of pursuing a Ph.D., but don't have the option of moving or attending a school outside my hometown (where we live) because my husband's job (which will allow me to continue school) is here.
I debated awhile before starting grad school because I knew I wanted to get an MA, but I didn't know the best way to go about it. Ultimately, I realized that right away was my best option, because I do want to have a family someday. Getting a graduate degree in the humanities is scary, though, because they don't always change your job options--I might find myself unable to get any different jobs than I could have with my BA. But I decided to go based on some advice I shared with a student worker in my old office when she was worried about changing her major from pre-med to counseling.
Basically, you have to go to school to study what you love and what you feel you can do with your life. If you let the job market or a certain salary level dictate what you want to do, you will not only be frustrated with your job, but you won't even gain any job certainty. The market is always changing and a job that's here and big today might not be when you graduate in four (or so) years. You have to do what you want to do and something you can care about.
I actually wrote about this a few months ago when I was panicking about my future. I'll stick the link at the end of this comment...
But the other thing to consider is your responsibility to yourself and your loved ones--especially if you are married and even more so if you have kids. Taking on debt is not worth it unless you can be (relatively) sure of a job after graduating or a pay raise if you have the job. In-state tuition is your friend--my grad school tuition is the same each year as my undergrad for this reason. Also, a big name on your diploma is not all it's cracked up to be, though it can be helpful. I've been told that networking is key to being successful during grad school, as you can get great ideas and sometimes funding for research from the different people you'll meet.
I just wrote way, way, way too much. I hope you're not horribly bored. If you have the patience, here's the post where I wrote about going to grad school and why I'm pursuing a degree that doesn't necessarily lead me to a better job or anything like that. There are actually three posts, beginning about halfway down the scroll bar.
http://little-toil-of-love.blogspot.com/2011_06_01_archive.html
Oh, crap, there's a little bit of subject-verb disagreement. I'm sorry. I should not stay up this late.
great topic of conversation. i enjoyed reading what people have responded here.
I love your new project. My parents were both students when they married and got me, and these early years were rather frugal - but also very romantic... Little flat, little family, young love. In the end my mum took on the house and supported my dad in his career - but that was a generation before now, I'm sure there are other ways these days.
And YES, you should write a book about your experiences!
Bummer, I dont have much advice.. hang in there? cookies?
dannon and i weren't living together when either of us were in grad school, so it may be a little different for those who are actual spouses of a grad student. but i do know that the best thing dannon did for me when i was in grad school was to give me plenty of space without me having to ask for it. i wanted to spend a lot more time with him than i was able to, so it was really hard for me to ask him to give me the time i needed for school. he was able to recognize my need for more alone time though and told me to take all the time i needed for school during those years. that was such a selfless act and meant the world the me! so my advice would be to step outside of yourself and your desires, and really recognize what your partner needs from you during those busy, stressful grad school years. don't take it personally if your partner needs to be alone more or needs you to develop more of an independent lifestyle. instead, give your spouse permission to be a student and remove the stress for them to try to juggle priorities. delivering flowers or favorite food to their study room once in a while is probably not a bad idea either. :)
I have an M.A. and I'm going to be applying to do a PhD within the next few months. My M.A. was completely worth it; I loved my topic, I loved doing research (I felt like Dana Scully, only in history, not aliens!) and completing the defense/thesis was like finally finding satisfaction after scratching an itch for almost 3 years!
As for tips on how to be a grad student, I have none. I think the experience is different for everyone, but I do remember feeling perpetually stupid, as though I should be assembling a puzzle for Ages 5+ and not writing a novel length thesis about Canadian history. All I can say to other grad students is this: you aren't stupid. You are there for a reason, just keep telling yourself that!
I'm a little late to this game, but here are my two cents (I'm a recent law school grad):
1. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT go to graduate school to delay the "real world" after you finish college. Every person I've encountered that has regretted it for one reason or another. Go because you really need that graduate degree to end up where you want to be in life.
2. Student loans are not free money. I know it seems like I shouldn't have to say that, but grad school isn't just about the joy of learning. Most programs are very expensive, both in tuition costs and lost income while you're in school (if you aren't working). Is it worth the cost? Will it be worth it in 10 years if you are still paying your loans?
3. I don't think it's quite the same for other programs, but law school is a very insular community. A lot of the time, it's absolutely necessary to hang with your LS peeps because nobody else TRULY understands the crazy. Still, it's essential for your sanity to have people in your life who have no connection to school. Make other friends. Normal people help restore your sanity after too many hours in the library :)
{good luck to your husband on his final year!}
I was a graduate student for about 3 years, studying part time, working full time as a lecturer, and married to a pastor. I don't have kids yet.
How did I cope between studies, work, church activities and housework? Time management is the key - you need to do things efficiently. Focus only on one thing at a time.
I made it a habit that whenever possible, not to bring study or work back home, which means, I only had 9 hours to study and work (actually it's 8-hour work + 1 hour lunch break) a day. Instead of going out to have lunch with my colleagues, I'd have it in the office while reading and completing my assignment.
I also set a specific time everyday to do housework, and I did it quick. Sometimes I got my husband to help out. However, since I had no time to exercise, I prefer to do most of the housework as my workout. I walk up and down 4-storey buildings a lot because there's no elevator at my work place, so that's another exercise I got.
From Friday sunset to Saturday sunset I'd keep the Sabbath(I'm a Seventh-Day Adventist and I go to church on Saturday). I don't work nor study. Taking time out of work and study is very important. Furthermore, church activities help me to pay attention to others instead of my own problems.
Attitude is another thing - since I've made the choice to get married, study, and work, I have to accept whatever that comes a long. I tried not to complain. Whenever I felt overwhelmed I'd pray and read my Bible. In fact, that's the first thing I'd do when I reached my office.
And I still managed to read about 30-40 books a year! :-)
One of the most important things I learned in law school was the importance of time management. My then-fiancee (now husband) and I learned to cut out activities that weren't meaningful or special so that we used our spare time only on things that were important to us. Basically, we figured out that to stay connected to each other we had to make the most of our free time and really make an effort to do things together. Prioritization is key!
Hope that helps!
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