After reading yesterday's comments about the scale, I thought I would relay an experience I had in a little town in Scotland called Dumnandrochit.
photo, used with permission, by Jean Claude Sanchez
I was sitting in the Loch Ness Exhibition center when the guy who ran the place asked me about my travels. I told him I had been dancing in London for two weeks before coming up to Scotland. Here is a snippet of our conversation:
Guy: "Dancing, huh? What kind of dance?"
Me: "Ballet and modern."
Guy: "Ballet?" He looks at me up and down. "Don't you have to be thin to be a ballet dancer? You're not thin. You're slim, but not thin."
Me, completely caught off guard but trying to be polite: "Well, I'm mostly modern."
Jerk: "Ah! That makes sense."
Looking back, I still have no comeback in my head. When it comes to body image things, all my wit and sarcasm and snarkiness fly out the window and I suddenly become that ten year old girl who is told she's too chubby to wear horizontal stripes. Oh, okay! Thanks!
photo, used with permission, by Jean Claude Sanchez
Being a woman, I feel there is sometimes a demand that we fight back (not my style) or, paradoxically, just nod our head in agreement. I don't know the right way to handle insensitive remarks, especially when they have no ill intention, but I feel a certain responsibility to educate people about the damaging effects of negative remarks about the body. I'm just too much of a coward to actually do it.
photo, used with permission, by Jerry Claude Sanchez
How do you handle rude body comments?
Are you empowered and let them have it? Do you shrink away in shame? Maybe ignore them all together?
I'd like to know!
48 comments:
I can so relate to this. I'm the same way...never really say anything when someone says an insensitive remark like that but I really wish there was a way to educate people. Some people are just like that though and won't change no matter what. Guess I've experienced too much of this in my life and I'm kinda negative about being able to change people...
Sorry you had to hear that, beautiful! xoxo
Thanks, Dawn. I am sorry you have had similar experiences. You are beautiful!
Urrgh... just tried to leave you a big comment on this but blogger deleted it.
I so know how this feels. And I hate how people think they can just say things like that. My husband always points out that it's always people who aren't exactly models themselves!
One of my worst was standing outside a wedding shop with an engaged friend... and some woman came up to tell me that I shouldn't be looking at wedding dresses with my figure. I was so shocked that I just mumbled "I'm not engaged" which I wasn't then.
Horrible huh?
That guy was so rude and I am so sorry that he said that! I also don't know how to react to comments like that. I usually just smile or say something really neutral and just keep on thinking about the right answer. My grandma used to say...you are beautiful because you are genuine, that is the only thing that matters. Happy Friday, sweetie.
I've never had someone say something like that to me, but one thing I've realized over the years is that I will never be a size 2. That's not my body. I have a medium frame and at my thinnest, I'm a 6. I worry that the media really distorts what womens' bodies should look like.
Gorgeous! Like those photos :D
depends who they are by - if ur a stranger n r totally rude i def am quick with a comeback - i have a quick tongue i just don't use it often ...
*kiss kiss*
Erika
~Tiptoe Butterfly~
I get people that make comments about my chest all the time. It's so uncomfortable because I'M uncomfortable about my chest. It just makes me wonder why anyone would want to make comments like that.
And whatever. You are thin. That guy needs to STFU.
I'm not particularly proud of this, because I want to be that person who doesn't let it bother them and just politely let's it slide and doesn't sink to their level and all that, but I shame them.
Yup. Especially if there are other people around, I will purposely point out that they are basically calling me fat, loudly and for all to hear. If you're going to be rude, you're going to have everyone looking at you thinking that you are rude.
I started doing it when a friend's mother (who as a woman and a mother should so know better) poked me in the side of my hip at a dinner, in public, and said: "look at those hips, they are SO wide. I've never seen hips that wide on a girl". (for reference at this point I"m 16 and a size 4 pear shape)
First I started quietly dying of embarrassment (my fellow pear girls know that we tend to already be sensitive about our shape thankyousomuch) and then I pushed my plate of food away and said "you're so right, I really shouldn't even be eating this".
She got flustered and started backtracking as everyone present stared at her, and several people started whispering stuff like "that mother is so rude" and "I can't believe she said that to a kid".
I refuse to be the one feeling embarrassed when someone else is being rude to me. So I shame them. I've done it three times at this point, and you can bet I'm ready to do it again.
aw, that's awful that he said that to you. Hmmm, I would have probably not have had the right thing to say in the moment either. I'm always caught off guard by people's rudeness. Wish I was quicker with my comebacks.
xoxo, chrissy
The Perfect Palette
Tiffany, I loved this post. I'm the SAME way! I have a perfect snarky remark to just about anything.. but mention my looks, and I'll turn beet red with nothing to say. One time, while I was pregnant, Bryan's mom asked me how my doctors appointment had gone, and I told her "fine!" to which she replied, "he didn't say anything about all of the weight you're gaining?" I was absolutely mortified. Some people just have no tact :\
Honestly, maybe I'm just not a combative person, but I just look the other way when people make comments about my weight. I have literally had the food sample people at stores say to my mother (while I'm standing right there, mind you)..."Don't you feed her?" It's incredibly insulting in my opinion - not to mention rude. At the same time, sometimes a non-answer is the best way to show the person how inappropriate their comment is. :/
OMG! What an as*! You have a beautiful figure, a dancer's body. Anyone would kill to look like you.
Here's the thing.... I would never make a rude remark like that to anyone so when someone takes me by surprise I am usually so caught off guard that I'm speechless. Afterwards, I think of 100 little zappy zingers that I could have come back with. I just don't think it's in my personality.
I used to get the "You are so skinny... Do you eat? Are you anorexic?" (Now I would kill to hear that.. just joking). The truth was I just really had a fast metabolism but these comments bothered me just as much as if someone said I was overweight.
Have a great weekend. xo
Well that's harsh. You're tiny too, so who knows what he'd say to someone that weighs more. I ignore and punch them in my head. x hivenn
VEry simply : you ask with a killing polite smile in a killing calm voice:
" you know that for a fact because YOU are a ballet dancer?", raising the eye brows. Makes people start using their brains for one.
I get similar questions when people find out that i have 3 ( soon 4 kids)
" Don't ballerinas chose not to have children? Isn't it a requirement?" that question usually puts them out of their " I'm very knowledgeable" bubble. those that are worth keep relationship with usually appologize and actually become pleasant conversational friends, and others turn pink , excuse themselves and take off.
Either way - it's a win/win situation :)
Whoa... just, whoa. First, sorry you had to experience that! Second, I cower. I would have replied the same way you did. Or I would have made a awkward joke about how the state of the world is obviously in ruins now that chubbers like me can be ballerinas. Sigh... Growing up everyone always asked my sister if she was a ballerina because she had such a thing figure and a long beautiful neck. Then they'd look at me and say, "Now you... I can tell you play soccer." Thanks buddy for pointing out to a 7 year old that she is short, stocky and has sizeable thighs.
At the end of the day though, its just about being happy with yourself. It takes serious training to really mean that, but its the truth.
*kate
Thinking about it after reading your story I couldn't think of any stranger who had said anything about my shape. My grandma has been the only one to say something. When I was younger it was super damaging when she would comment about how "full" I looked or even "fat". I know though that was hugely a cultural thing for my family. If you seem skinny they feed you and if you seem fat, well, they still feed you. They just call you fat. I have always been really upset by America or the worlds view of what beauty is or how people should look. Why does anyone think we "should" be a certain size ? Its so ridiculous.Remember that one ballet dancer who got criticism? Crazy I tell you!
first of all you are a truely fantastic and stunning woman! I am angry at this guy for making such carless and ignorant comments to you. you who was probably so happy, and open sharing your stories with a total stranger, he just stomped out your little happy light when he said that. shame. SHAME ON YOU MAN!
Ok. that said it really depends on the comment. you have inspired me to share something...similar on my blog today. In cases where the comment is soooo..sooo ignorant, and just plane RUDE I am usually left a little stunned and wanting to save face, and just sorta... walk away. half defeated feeling. But most times I am the type who will come right back and dish it back to them.
bottom line it sounds like you maintained your grace and walked away from it all. which is some times much, much better then giving that person a good 'ol heaping helping of a piece of your mind!
whoa. i'm so sorry you came across someone so careless. what a ridiculous man. it's always a little shocking and unsettling when your faced with such thoughtless and uncomfortable comments. you're so lovely Tiff. that moron evidently didn't have a clue what makes a good dancer or beautiful woman ;)
That man is ridiculous.
I still remember--years later, married to a man who thinks I'm gorgeous even on my "ugly days"!--when a boy (an ex, making it worse) implied that I was heavy. I'm not exactly thin, but I am not overweight at all. Yet that comment still gets to me sometimes.
Men don't seem to understand the pressure that women are under--even when we know better--to fit a certain image. We put a lot of pressure on ourselves, too, of course. I could go on and on because I'm living it right now, but I won't...at the moment.
As a more muscular and petite ballet dancer myself, I can SO relate to this experience. Weight is always such a touchy issue in the ballet world -- you're always told to lose weight, being weighed, being compared, etc. It's so tough. I danced with a girl who was so thin, she was doing a pirouette and her spine snapped... she was only 12! I don't know how I avoided the whole eating disorder/body issue thing... I always think I'm fat though...that never goes away. Especially when you're slim, but not thin, and are essentially the 'fat' girl in your classes.
Now as an adult, I love taking class because we all have different body types and we're all 'grown up' and over the insecurities, so it's more about the dancing and less about our bodies.
Thanks for sharing this.
i never know what to say or do in conversations like that either. i guess i try to be the bigger person and not let it get to me. i always hope the other person later realizes what they said and that it could have been hurtful.
when I was pregnant with my 2nd daughter, one of my uncles exclaimed my god you got fat! and I calmly said to him, I'm pregnant to which he replied " are you pregnant with twins?!"
I pretty much just walked away and cried.
Unfortunately, I've gotten both types of comments. I have a lovely pear shape (so inconvenient when it comes to leotards!) and I've gotten "Wow, you have really wide hips!" at least three different times. There's also people who go, "Oh my god! Eat a sandwich!" etc because of my small waist. Oh, the joy. ;)
I do struggle with having a non-dancer's body. It makes me think I need to lose weight. But I just have to keep saying that at a healthy weight for ME, I must feel so much better than those insensitive people who make weight comments!
ugh...couldn't people leave well enough alone? your shape and body are GREAT, tiff! and those who are a bit chubby or fat ALREADY KNOW...i don't think we need to point it out to them.
oddly enough, my grandma is the only one that has ever really said anything like that to me. and even though she's done it fairly frequently throughout my life, it always caught me off guard. then i had a conversation with her a little while back about her general judgement and insensitivity and discussed how she tells me i'm fat. that conversation gave me the strength and wit to call her out in a firm, but non-aggressive way. since then, she's done it once to my face (several behind my back to my mother). that conversation:
gma: maybe you'll lose some weight with all that hiking you're going to do this weekend.
me: maybe...not that i need it right *cheesy smile*
gma: oh well, you're cute. (whaaaaat? lol)
Jerk! and I bet he was just trying to chat you up. Isn't it terrible that one's always at loss for words when one needs a sharp remark?
P.S. Such beautiful pictures!
Three words: "what an a**"
I've dealt with the same and usually don't realize until 3 hours later why I'm suddenly so agitated. Ugh! xo
The issue I have is that since I'm very petite, complete strangers or old men will proclaim my body size to the world. It's not technically an insult, but its obviously not a compliment. I find it obnoxious that people just comment on your body shape as though its a completely appropriate topic for someone you don't know. Heck, its barely appropriate to tell a friend what their body should look like. What a weirdo, he probably thought he was telling you that you look good but didn't know he was a turd.
Brush those people off, you don't have to deal with THEIR insecurities, you know what I mean? After all, who are they to you...they should be irrelevant. Keep being your beautiful self. I am your newest follower and will keep up with your updates. :)
You are gorgeous!! I would have said something like, " oh no sir one does not have to be thin to be a ballerina" Then walked off!!
I hope I would have said that and given him a look like wow you are not very smart. I will have to practice that look for rude people only!
xoxo
Karena
Art by Karena
Laugh.
Ugh. What a tosser. Some people just don't have any brains or sensitivity, do they? And it sucks hard that one little comment from a stranger so have such an effect.
Unfortunately, most of the negative comments I've gotten have been from my aunties, saying stuff about my rather well-endowed chest. I'm already self-conscious about it and to have family make snide comments doesn't really help out. In the end, I started asking 'Could you BE any ruder?' and they started getting the picture that they weren't, surprisingly to them, being funny and were actually be quite hurtful.
I love Hip Hip Gin Gin's manner of shaming them - why the hell not?
I'm a walking thesaurus of profanity so I tend to bust some of those jewels out while plastering an innocent smile on my face. It catches them off guard and I get to use dirty words. Loads of fun.
Whén people I love pass hurtful remarks it hurts, when strangers do so I ignore it and wish them a nice day with a radiant smile;-)
Am sure he wanted to chat up but this insensitive remark came instead. You are too beautiful inside and out. Live and enjoy!
That man's comment was ridiculous. I don't know any great comebacks, but generally, I try to be polite and then stew about it at home.
This is such a tough topic for me! I probably shrink away in shame most of the time :( I hate to say that but I just don't have the guts to tell them how I feel for some reason. I've had plenty of people when applying for dance teaching jobs, etc, look me over subtly and I know they're judging my dancing based on my figure. I can't stand it! I need to just muster up the courage to respond to things like this!
Take no heed. This is probably normal converstaion - and possibly a compliment!! - from a man from Drumnadrochit. I have been there and I have also lived in Scotland, so I can imagine the scenario. He was possibly wondering what on earth to say to a ballet dancer.
The images are beautiful and who wants to look like a pencil????
The beauty of dance is that it is the inner persona expressed in movement ..... and the ten year old girl probably looked good in the stripes. I remember that theory and being told that I was too small to wear horizontal stipes ... so I have always worn them as I don't think that the vertical ones suited me at all.
Hope this brings a smile to your lips and confidence in your being.
Maybe we just need to be brave and call them out..."Really? Are you for real? Did you really just say that!" And then laugh at them.
ha! men are so stupid sometimes. he probably didn't mean anything by it at all. idiot.
Whenever this happens to me, I usually turn it around into a joke & laugh it off.
What the HE**! Who makes crappy comments like that to a stranger? Clearly the man was socially unacceptable!
I used to get the "you're to skinny" comments all the time. I come from a midwestern farming community where yes, the women tend to be larger...I just walked away knowing that one day I'd move away from there.
that guy is such a loser! i don't know what I'd do, I'd probably say something, "seriously? did you just say that?" :)
Well what a jerk! And excuse me but to dance ballet you cannot be 'model thin' either. I used to dance ballet and while being slender is the norm, you need a good set of muscles. I am so over listening to men regarding weight!
PvdH
www.ThePvdHJournal.com
Wow, I have a few choice adjectives for that guy.
I'm not skilled at handling the rude comments... I still haven't figured it out -- especially because people feel so free to make rude comments when you're smaller (seems like comments to bigger people is more taboo?): "You need to eat more!" Ugh.
I was thinking about your last post... I agree: DITCH THE SCALE!! That number is so arbitrary. You(/everyone who is health/fitness-minded) should be more concerned with body fat percentage, and actual physical performance, and how you feel, and how your body recovers after a hard workout... Just live a healthy lifestyle, gauge when you feel best and remember what you're doing, and you'll be FINE.
:]
I often get comments in the opposite direction-aren't you too thin to be a good opera singer? They're hurtful no matter what the body judgement is, but I usually tell people that a two piece Indian sari and plenty of tutus make up my costumes, and that I'm pretty comfortable in them!
First of all that guy sounds like an ass. I mean who says that someone. Secondly I just read the post before and I can relate. I live my life on a scale that never seems to go the way I want it to. I would say there is no way to respond to this kind of comment. I think sometimes the best thing to do is walk away. Make the person realize that what they said was out of line. However, I do think you handled yourself well and I personally think you are very thin and very beautiful and should be proud of all that you are and have accomplished regardless of size.
Oy vey, I feel like I'd probably react like you did purely from shock/being caught off guard...although, I have gotten better about speaking my mind when I deem something to be overtly rude. So sorry you had to cross paths with this ignorant dude!
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