I've been sitting on this post for a long time. Whew! Here's goes nothing!
A Weird Expectation
I won't get into the reasons why I want to be a stay at home mom because I don't want this post to come across as preachy. We all do things in our own way for our own reasons and I would never judge anyone on this very personal decision. But I will say this: I think it's weird that women are expected to go back to work after having children. I understand that some women want to and some women have to, but to expect them to? Are you serious? I can't begin tell you how much that saddens me.
I Can Do Anything
I know I can be a mother, dancer, teacher, and whatever else I choose to do. I simply don't want to. And just because I will one day walk away from the jobs I have now, that doesn't mean I'm not ambitious about my career. I want to go above and beyond everything I do. I want to be successful, to get accolades, to kick butt, and to wow my employers and peers. Mr. Branflake often says I'm the most ambitious person he's ever met because I'm not happy until I've done everything I can do, and do it better than anyone else.
Love You to the Moon
We're all level headed people here. None of us are antagonistic or looking to pick a fight. That's why I love coming here everyday- you guys remind me of how good the world is. So thank you for letting me talk about this. More than that, I would love to hear what you have to say about parenthood and the goals you have. Because, as I told a group of women on Sunday at Church, we were not sent here to live mediocre lives.
What are your goals as a parent?
(Not goals for your children, but goals for yourself.)
40 comments:
My goal as a mother was to give enough.
Enough love to fill my daughter to the brim.
Enough encouragement for her to believe in herself and to find her own courage.
Enough acceptance for her to know that she was loved no matter what and the confidence to explore and choose her own path.
Enough discipline for her to know right from wrong and to internalise a strong moral code; for her to learn self-control and self-discipline.
Enough experiences and learning for her to learn to love learning, exploring, curiosity and wonder.
Enough independence to learn to stand on her own two feet.
All I ever wanted was to be a stay at home mum, but life didn't work out that way for me and I'm now just doing odd jobs as I have no ambition whatsoever but a lot of people look down on me for my lack of achievement.
I hope you get to be a mum!
I made a decision when my kids were small to stay home and raise them. I don't regret it a bit. I was here when the nurse called, drove them to school, greeted them off the bus. I just didn't want someone else doing my job. We only have them fro such a short time. Can't stand when people discount the importance of being a stay-at-home Mom. It's the most challenging and important job in the world. xo
Whether or not I ever will be a parent is beyond me, but my goals as one would be to:
-Instill a genuine, lifelong childlike curiosity that makes him or her experience everything with new eyes.
-Foster a deep love of animals and literature.
-Encourage fierce independence.
AND...
-Reinforce their dreams; regardless of how far-fetched. He or she must always know that he/she can achieve or succeed in anything. :)
My goals are simple, to raise loving, intelligent, independent girls.
Achiveing those goals isn't so simple. Think outside influences butting up against your expectations.
Ps everyone should have a choice on whether or not they want to stay home.
Pps. Congratulations on the Novel!
As I embark on the new adventure of becoming a mom (due in dec) I have spent the last few months really pondering the same thing..I haven't figured it all out yet, but I will let you know when I do ;)
What a timely post, Tiffany!
It's been awhile since I've commented here (or anywhere - I've been MIA in the blogging world!), but I feel really strongly about this subject as well and wanted to share my thoughts.
I've been reading up a LOT these days on women trying to find that work/personal life balance (did you read that article in the Atlantic?).
I've always been the same as you, too. I knew I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom ever since I was young. I think it was because my mom was a stay-at-home mom. She sacrificed an incredibly promising career to have a family. In fact, I just asked her yesterday if she regretted her decision, if she could go back and choose again, what would she choose? She said she would choose the same thing.
I think everyone in society is meant to "contribute", whatever that means. Sure, my mom didn't contribute her skills in the work force (which was truly a loss), but she contributed a very warm and nurturing family with a lot of love. She is truly the heart of our family.
I was talking to a girl recently about wanting to be like my mom and create a really good family by staying at home, and she responded, "Well, I'm going to go back to work because I want to be a role model for my kids." I didn't say it, but I thought: there's more than one way to be a role model to your kids. Ways that go way beyond "working". And at the end of the day, at the end of your life!, aren't the relationships and people what matter most? (I understand that personal achievement is important too, but it's sad to say that most people don't pursue the work of their dreams).
And going back to that work/life balance with working moms - I think women have started to believe "We really can have it all". But I think we need to redefine what "all" means - there are GOING to be sacrifices. There are only 24 hours in a day - if you want to reach the highest rung of your professional ladder, you're going to sacrifice time with your child/ren. If you want to spend more time with your kids, that's time spent away from work. Life really does change when you have kids, and IT'S OKAY.
Anyway, I'm totally rambling, but I think ultimately, this whole feminist thing these days is being misconstrued. I think the whole movement was really about CHOICE. And about not judging people about whatever choices they make in their own lives. Women who go back to work are judged by stay-at-home moms (How can you give up your time with your precious baby?) and women who work judge stay-at-home moms (How could you be one of THOSE women that just works until she marries/has a baby?). We need to stop judging each other because everyone's lives and situations are so different. It's silly to still be passing judgment! Women need to be kinder towards each other's choices :)
There is so much I could say about this. I will try to restrain myself. In terms of goals...no, I don't have set goals as a parent. I want my boys to be happy, independent, empathetic, and curious. I want them to live lives of passion and gratitude.
I agree that I wish the decision to work or stay at home was truly a choice. There are many varied reasons why women would choose to continue to work, even if money wasn't the sole factor. But there are also many reasons why a woman would choose to stay at home. Every family should get to determine what works best for them as a family.
My boys are 3 and 5, and I've continued to work. However, I am about to take some time off - maybe a couple years - and I am beyond excited about it. I will be able to spend more quality time with my preschooler, and I can walk my new kindergartner to school and ensure that his school years get off to a solid start. I can be home with them in the afternoons.
When my little guy starts full-day school, I hope to find something that allows me to work but still be able to pick them up from school. I don't know if that exists, but I'm going to search for it.
Oh now I've gone on as well. This is a topic that is near and dear to every mother's heart. I am jealous of women who are certain in their decisions and have the complete support of their husbands in their choice. It's often not that easy.
this is a great post and a difficult question because there is just so much we want as parents. For me the most important thing is love. to love unconditionally. to be there for them - with love. you will be an amazing stay at home mom ♥
I think my only goal as a parent is to set a good example by doing what's right, being happy, and loving life.
I'm curious to see how your thoughts and feelings change after you decide to have children. (Mine certainly did!)
I think you will be a fantastic mom.
Great post, Tiff. I always dreamed of being a stay at home mom. Thought it would be the best for my children. But I didn't think that could be a reality because I'm the breadwinner in the family. I do admire women who are both stay at home moms and also women who have to and are able to balance it all. xoxo
Do you want to tell us something, Tiffany?? :)
I always aspired to be a 'good-enough mum' because I believe the biggest gift you can give to your children is being genuine, loving life and trying to do the things that are dear to you - for some women this means staying at home with the children, for others having a job... For me it's the latter, as I like having a life outside of childcare.
I actually did a post about this on my blog. :) Being a stay-at-home mom is a career. I do have my writing, but being a wife and mother always comes first. I figure it will be about ten years until we're done having kids and all of them are in school. That is when I plan to really focus on writing. Sometimes that thought is a bit depressing, but what would be even more depressing is not giving my kids the best childcare provider who loves them more than anyone else. To me, being a stay-at-home mom isn't a luxury--it's a choice. I do believe that woman can "do it all." But I don't believe they should "do it all" at the same time. There is a time and a season for everything you want to accomplish.
My goal as a parent is to protect my son from danger, provide him with the things he needs to experience happiness and fulfillment, and above all, to make sure he knows every single day that I love him without condition.
I'm a full-time working mother, and I feel waves of guilt when people suggest that my career must come first since I spend so much time at work. My hours are 9-5, and I don't ever work from home after hours or on the weekend.
It pains me that some people view mothers with full-time careers as subpar mothers, because really? I work SO THAT I can provide my child with the things he needs and wants. I'm not in a situation where I can't work and still be able to pay the bills, and truth be told, I'm a bit jealous of the women who are! But that's just not my life and likely never will be, so I'm doing the best I can – as are we all.
I am a mom to a 17 month old girl and I also work part-time. I actually like the setup, but not the job itself. It is also REALLY hard to find a balance sometimes. I think what I would ideally want is to have the availability to do freelance instead where I can take the amount of work I can handle. Right now we need my paycheck in order to pay bills/rent etc, but one day I hope I can find the balance that I crave.
i like your outlook, interesting question! I think ultimately a mom has to do what makes her happy - whatever that is. and if that's working full time...then she should! a happy mom is the best mom. i get to try out 6 months of full time momness come september...then i might go back to work partime. I have the luxury of having the option, so many women don't. but i think if we move back to the US i will DEF want to work part time in my career field (social work) because it fulfills me so much! then babycakes can hang out with other kids and be all socialized while i socialize myself :)
you'll be such a fab mom!
I completely agree with you, Tiffany! If moms have the choice, I think they should be free to work or not to work depending on what they wish. I too am passionate about my field (art history), but at the same time, I can't wait to be a mother one day and spend my time focusing on that!
I currently am a stay at home from where I also run a business where things are flexible enough for me to give my son as much attention as he needs. My goal is to raise him to be proud of who he is and know that he can be anything he wants to be and that if you work hard everything is achievable. Idealistic, i know but it is what my husband and I do every day. I want him to never forget our culture and where we come from, to embrace it but never let it hold him back. I think i could go on forever.. but mostly I just want him to be happy and for him to know that as long as he is happy I am happy
you are so true!
This is such a glorious, sticky subject, isn't it? But it's amazing how many brilliant women shared their experiences, and how nicely everyone plays. I was just talking about this subject with some girlfriends at work–raising children is hard, and even more difficult with the whole world criticizing each others' parenting choices. I'm not certain John and I will have children, or that we won't, but my one hope is that no matter what we chose, our communities support our decision.
love this! i too would like to be a stay-at-home mom. and i do feel like people nowadays judge moms who decide to stay at home, like they demean them even, and this makes me very sad. i always feel encouraged when i hear of others who do or plan to stay at home. my hubby's decision to get his PhD was also indluenced by allowing me the possibility to stay at home.. we have awesome, sacrificial hubbies!!
Hey Tiffany...I've never made a comment on your blog before but I do read them often. This is a topic that I often struggle with. I have several friends that are stay at home moms and absolutely love it! Obviously you know that there are pros and cons to each option. At the time when I had my son I HAD to work because my husband was in transition with his new career. Now, I technically could be a stay at home mom...finances would be ridiculously tight, but I now have a choice. I'm at a place in my life where I'm still dancing, still working full time, still involved with my church, and making sure there's enough quality time happening in my household. It's a constant balancing act that sometimes I fail at and sometimes I'm successful at. I thrive on having a busy life, and since I only have one child, that's possible. Talk to me when I have childREN...at that point my life will shift and most likely I will become a stay at home mom because daycare is extremely costly!
My present goal as a parent is to make sure that my son always knows how much I love him and would go the ends of the earth for him...at 2 1/2 years old, that's what he cares about right now. :)
P.S. Kids are the ultimate sponges, which is why I try my best to handle my life with integrity and grace because my son is always watching and listening!!
I think the biggest goal I have is to be the best example I can be for my children. I want them to love all people...people who look different and even people who maybe aren't nice. I want them to learn from me how to extend compassion and kindness. I would say, as a stay at home mother, that that is one the biggest things you are teaching your children: whether it is how they see you respond to people in public, how you treat your spouse, and how you respond to them. The beautiful thing about children is that they help YOU reach your greatest potential as a human. It's really amazing.
That is the positive of being at home. They are learning all these qualities from you.
The other thing I have learned about parenting is that they don't car about going fancy places or having fancy things. They simply want YOU. They love going to the grocery store, helping with laundry, helping cook, etc. They just want to be in your presence.
It is such a blessing if you can stay home with your children at least for those first few years. I worked two days a week with my first for about 1.5 years and am so happy to be home full time.
When my brother and I were young my mom didn't work - and even once we were in school full time she worked a schedule that allowed her to be home when we got home from school.
I think it's important to have a parent around and it helps to shape the lives of children.
If when I do have children I can afford it, I'd love to be a stay at home mom.
My parents were both working when I grew up, but I was fortunate to have a mother who had a very flexible job so she could work and stay home when she needed and wanted to. I think if I were to ever become a mum, I'd just want to instill genuine love and honesty to my children. The best gift to a child is also allowing them to not live in a bubble. I believe that if you want to be a stay-at-home type then it's entirely fine, if it makes you content. It's totally up to you. I personally would be working mother if i had a child, but that's just me ... perhaps work from home or something. :) xo
I think that's an awesome choice, Tiffany. My mom stayed home with us until I was in 6th grade and then went back to work. It worked so well for us. And kudos to you and the Mr. for having a plan -- so many people don't plan ahead like that and then end up scrambling to make a decision when they're forced to.
Beautiful post! I feel the same way and am so happy that you wrote about this.
I want to write and be a stay at home mom. I won't do journalism like I'm doing now, I'll just write my books, blog, magazine articles. And I'll paint. I know I'm too creative to not create--but I also know it won't be the extent to what I do now.
Followed on from Melissa's blog. I just want you to know how happy I am that someone has finally said it in a nutshell - I understand that some women want to and some women have to, but to expect them to? As women we are expected to return to the workforce to 'contribute' but in the end, every women and her family is different.
I thought last year that I wanted to return to work because the length of time off would look worrying to prospective employers in the future. Which sadly enough has been featured in a few articles about women and the workforce. I remember when I worked fulltime we only had one child then, and the looks I got when I had to leave early for an emergency still wounds me. These looks were from female managers who were Superwomen and could work until 8pm because their husbands were home with the kids and didn't earn as much as them. Now with our second child, why should I return to work just to have that kind of guilt instilled in me when I'm already feeling guilty about paying someone else to care for our second child? I'm making the choice that is best for our children and our family. Sure, one income is tougher than two, but three years of severe cutbacks have made us realise our goal to be debt-free by 2013 is almost here. Then I can start planning towards being a work-from-home-mum.
Honestly, some days the goal is simply to make it thru the day. I am a stay-at-home mom. The truth is I ended up here kicking and screaming, but given my husbands job, we both felt it was important for me to stay at home. I love it now, but it took over a year to get to this place. And I'm not going to lie, it's stressful to be on one income, but we make it work.
I guess my true goal as a mother of a daughter is to raise a self-confident, kind, generous and intelligent young woman.
This is the most beautiful and thoughtful post I've read in a long time. You brought tears to my eyes. I'm a stay at home mom and I can totally relate to your thoughts and goals. I just discovered your blog and I'm so glad I did. I'm a new follower. :)
http://shannonhearts.blogspot.com/
Hey, Tiffany! As you know, I stay at home with my little ones. I think you'll love it because it's a challenge! Perfect for an ambitious woman like you.
Anyway, my goals for myself (not my kids) -- it's hard to separate those sometimes.
I want to be strong and self-reliant.
I want to be a light and kick holes in the darkness.
I want to be gracious and generous.
I want to love and laugh deeply.
I want to act with integrity and compassion.
I want to stay curious and keep learning.
I want to be confident and secure.
I want to listen well and speak intelligently.
I want to be patient and persistent, humble and honest, hopeful and trusting.
I want to be creative and joyful, forgiving and considerate.
I want to take risks and have faith.
I want these things for myself but my kids provide great motivation to aspire to all of these goals and more because it's what I want for them too.
Wonderful, thoughtful post. I worked a little but basically stayed home to raise my kids. I new I would never regret that decision, where-as had I chosen an executive position that required daily help I would have regrets about not spending enough time with my kids.
Everyone has to make the choice that's right for them. Just because a person chooses to hire a nanny to be with their kids during the day doesn't mean they don't love their kids.. it's just what they believe is right.
I believe our world would be better off if we spent more time together as a family.. with less day care and television.
xx
leslie
I always wanted to be a stay at home mom too and I am SO grateful that Kev works so hard and I am able to be home. Our goals as parents are to raise healthy, happy children who do good things in their life and respect people.
This is a big challenge for me. I'm a doctor, and I worked so hard to get to where I am... but I'm also pregnant right now, and my upcoming role as a mother feels more important than anything else I've ever done.
My mom was a stay-at-home-mom, and I treasured that growing up. I worry a lot about how I'm going to be able to give enough to my children, and also to my career. I know that if it came down to a choice between the two, I would always pick being a mother. For me, at least right now, I'm happy it doesn't have to be one or the other.
We'll see...
My husband and I are in the 'trying to conceive' stage of the whole process, so it's early days yet but we're working on the assumption that I'll stay at home, which is what I want. I'm doing my PhD because it's what I want to do and I'm doing it for me, but once it's done I'm leaning towards staying at home and doing writing and maybe consultancy work. And eventually my husband will stay at home too. I agree with you though, it's an individual choice and we each do what we think will work best for us, our partner and child/children.
Oh my word, I have so many goals. But mostly I just want to provide the most happy, loving environmental for Avery that also allow her to grow into a happy, independent, loving adult. One who is open, honest, and isn't afraid to go after what she wants. And to love her unconditionally. Always.
i don't have kids. i'd like to be a stay at home person as i am sick to death of working every day. :)
what a well-written, beautiful post, my friend. i appreciated every bit of it! i too want to be a stay at home mom one day - and most people are very surprised by that! and like you when it comes to any "job" (whether in or out of the home) i want to do it 100% well and i know for myself the only way i could do that with raising my kids would be to focus that one "job" and at that time, it would be a wife and mother. if i get that opportunity one day, i would consider it a privilege and a joy! thank you for sharing your thoughts, my friend!
p.s. if we have kids one day and they meet, can we all go out and eat together at mickey dee's? hehe. happy meals for everyone!
I know that as a parent, I am everything to my children - guide, caretaker, support - so I want them to live lives that aren't mediocre (so I guess I have to create the awesome life!) My goal is to show them the world and broaden their minds, while keeping them humble. If I give my children the tools to succeed, I have added to a life on this world that can make a difference.
I guess my goal is to be a fair and loving parent - one that my kids would be proud to call momma!
xoxo,
Chic 'n Cheap Living
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